Tales of the Parodyverse

Teeny Tiny Thighmaster Tales - Part Two.


Post By

ManMan
Thu Jul 31, 2003 at 10:57:55 am EST
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When Captain Thighmasteristhebestlookingmaninhistory Walker got word of the Thighmaster's impending arrival, he immediately signalled the rest of the militia to be in readiness, this in turn told the rest of the population of Bovoria that their Prince was due for a visit any second. The townspeople of Thighmasterwillruletheworldville were especially worried, anytime that the Thighmaster came into the Capital meant that there were to be more rule changes, maybe even more 'theme' days.

----

Theme days were a concept that the Thighmaster had dreamt up on a rainy Sunday morning, he looked out onto the ugly landscape that made up his country and decided it needed a little lightening up, so he put forth a royal decree; every Sunday was to be 'Hawaiian Shirt Day', any citizen of Bovoria caught not wearing a Hawaiian shirt was subjected to mandatory decapitation. Unfortunately, the Bovorians didn't know what a Hawaiian was let alone what kind of shirt he would wear and so they devised an ingenious plan - it would never be Sunday. When the militia arrived to decapitate any non-shirt wearers, the population of that village/settlement swore blind it was Saturday until the militia, confused, left.
Gradually Sundays had been phased out in favour of Saturday 1 and Saturday 2.
The Thighmaster had been at a loss to explain the disappearance of Sunday and blamed it on his populace, so devised even harder theme days to punish them - Tuesdays were 'Banana Head Day' - citizens of Bovoria were required to strap the fruit onto their head for 24 hours and any person caught not wearing one would be decapitated. Again, Bovorians didn't know what a Banana was and the initial plan of swearing it was Monday wasn't as successful as previous efforts. Then, Thighmasteristhegreatest Smith remembered a picture of a banana he'd seen in a book once, and with his wife, began creating the fake wooden bananas and distributed them among the populace of Bovoria, Smith had prevented thousands of executions and secured among them a position of respect. He also made quite a fortune, almost 0.1% of the wealth of the country.

----

Swingy and the gang of Nine Nigel's stood on the border of Moldova and Bovoria, though if it weren't for the fact that there was a high wall surrounding the small principality - with various signs telling people to 'Keep Out!' or 'You Really Will Be Hurt If You Climb Over This Wall!' - he would've guessed they'd been walking in a circle. The Master of the Swinging Arts regarded this place with disgust, it was muddy and cold and the Nigel Gang seemed to like it. "Reminds me of 'ome," croaked one.
"I used to mug old ladies in a park that looked like this," sniffed another.
"Yes ... very nice, shall we?" Swingy indicated the wall, throwing up several vines that attached themselves to the top.

----

"ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY PRINCE THIGHMASTER! CROWN RULER OF BOVORIA AND, uh, DEFENDER OF TRUTH, JUSTICE AND THE BOVORIAN WAY!" The speaker announced the new Heroes arrival. The populace of the country lined the main street of Thighmasterwillruletheworldville, proudly displaying their bananas to their slightly miffed leader who wondered where they could've gotten so many; the arrival was one to rival any monarch; the coach was lavishly decorated in platinum cherubs, golden angels and diamante crucifixes, fine scarlet draperies hung inside to match the velvet upholstery. Mounted either side of the coach were a pair of loudspeakers both belting out Whitney Houston's mega-hit "I Will Always Love you".
Inside, the Thighmaster waved royally at his subjects before turning to Browning. "Can't you just feel the new love?" he asked excitedly.
"Positively tangible sir," replied the Butler. "Though maybe this visit requires a more... personal touch?"
The new Hero shook his head. "What do you mean?"
"I believe it's customary to ... meet ... some of your people."
Thighmaster's eyes widened. "You want me to get out and walk?!?"
"It's a very superhero thing to do sir," conceded Browning.
The Hero snorted. "Bah! ... Alright then, tell the person up front to stop driving and turn the music off."

----

The citizens lined up in front of him, as if ready for a military inspection. The Thighmaster regarded the first one. "Fat," he observed and moved onto the next one. "Fat," he repeated and moved on. "Ugly, fat, fat, ugly, ugly...." he stopped at a teenage girl who blushed furiously under his gaze. "Why...hello!" The villain smiled and twisted the end of his moustache. "And who are you, you lovely young thing?"
"My...my name's Thighmastermakesmykneesweek Green, your highness," she replied.
"Ah...That's a particularly lovely banana you're wearing... Would you perhaps like to take a ride in the ThighCoach?"
A larger man who stood next to the girl spoke up. "Your highness, I respectfully point out that my niece is to be married next month."
The villain frowned. "Yes... I see the problem. Captain!"
Captain Thighmasteristhebestlookingmaninhistory Walker had been dutifully running at the side of the ThighCoach during the procession and now stood at his prince's side. "Yes, your highness?" He asked obsequiously and with a little bow.
“Find the prospective husband of this girl and remove his head,” Thighmaster ordered with a dismissive wave.
“Er... Sir, you’re a hero, remember?” Browning politely reminded his master.
“Damn!” the villain barked. “Damn!” He repeated and breathed slowly to regain his composure. “You’re right... Ms Green, it was a pleasure to meet you and you’re... I dunno, smart, handsome father?” he turned to his butler. “Let’s go...”
“NOT SO FAST!” came a voice at the end of street. “THIGHMASTER, YOU’RE GONNA PAY!”
“Who the hell is that?” asked the villain.
“I believe it’s Swingy, sir,” Browning reported. “And some young thugs...”
Swingy started to march forward, the gang of Nine Nigels at his side; as they walked they tormented the people either side of them, pushing them over or smashing possessions they carried. When they arrived within 10 feet of the prince of Bovoria and his butler, they stopped. “We’re gonna kill you!” threatened one Nigel.
“Yeah! And then we’re gonna really ‘urt ya!” echoed another.
Swingy pointed an accusing finger at the Thighmaster. “You left me to rot in Vegas, Thighbitch! I was... abused by those Elvis freaks...” the master of the swinging arts’ voice started to crack. “It was horrible! All that...sharing of emotion...”
“Vegas?” The Thighmaster frowned. “When was I in Vegas?” he turned to Browning. The butler whispered in his ear. “Ooh, right!...that Vegas.”
“Yeah! And now I’m going to take over this country. King Swingy the First!” he laughed derisively.
The Thighmaster laughed more heartily, which made the vine-wielder uncomfortable. “You know how many times I’ve heard this? We live in Eastern Europe! Browning, how many times have we been invaded?”
“14 sir,” replied the butler.
“And how many have succeeded?”
“None, sir.”
The villain turned to Swingy. “And you know why?”
Swingy wasn’t sure he wanted to know. “...why?”
“Well...You see, my father was something of a genius. Consulting with all the great minds of the world, Einstein, Oppenheimer, Vizhnar... and eventually he came up with a deliciously evil device, it's only a pity that it only works in Bovoria,” the villain produced a small handset with an LCD screen. He pushed a button and a menu appeared. “Hm...What evil plan can I kill you with?” The Thighmaster scanned the list:
1. Activate Thermo-Nuclear Crows.
2. Activate Cyborg-Squirrels.
3. Activate Man-Eating Moles
4. Activate Richard Simmons.
5. Activate ThighTanks.
6. Activate Robot Militia.
7. Spontaneously Combust Population.
8. Activate Death-Rabbits.
9. Activate Ninja-Pygmies.
The list went on for several more pages, though Thighmaster knew what he wanted. “Ah-hah!” he cried with glee as he pushed another button. The ThighCastle upon the hill started to rumble, causing minor earth tremors in the city. Swingy looked upon the castle, horrified as he saw a large laser gun rise out of each of the 8 turrets; they swiftly locked themselves on the intruders.
"You see?" Thighmaster presented the LCD screen again, there stood Swingy and Nigel under a large crosshair, none of them seemed happy about it. "Now... run" the villain told them.
They stared at him, unblinking.
The Thighmaster waved at them. "Go on! Run! It makes it more fun!"
The Nigel gang regarded each other before taking off in unison.
"Ha! They always run!" the prince giggled as he concentrated on the LCD screen. The crosshairs had automatically followed the Nigel's and all the Thighmaster had to do was push the button.
"Sir, might I politely re-remind you that you're intentions are less than heroic," Browning interrupted.
His master's face dropped. "Aw.... Can't I kill just a little bit?"
"Several heroes kill men, sir, although I believe it's out of anger transference caused by some deep emotional tragedy occurring early in their careers; not many of them are adored in the way you would like to be."
"Damn and blast!" reluctantly the Thighmaster put the device away. He noticed Swingy had not moved. "You're still here?"
"Yeah!" the master of the swinging arts replied, with not as much conviction as he would've liked. "I want...uh..."
"Get on with it!" the prince demanded irritably. "I've got plans for myself."
"I want a job!" Swingy exclaimed. "My gang dumped me and I've got no place else to go!" he continued with a sob.
"Sidekicks are a popular choice, sir," Browning told his master.
"Hm....Ok, you can be part of my Thighmaster plan!" the new Hero agreed. "You'll need a new name though...From now on you shall be known as... ThighLad!"
Swingy/ThighLad's eye began to twitch. "...ok."
"Good, now that this mess has been cleared up let us retire to the castle, I have a phone call to make," the Thighmaster turned to this population. "As you were little ones!" he told them.
The populace eyed each other and their prince warily. Slowly, they began to resume their daily duties.
"Oh, by the way," Thighmaster announced as he stepped into the ThighCoach, "Thursday is now Elton John Sunglasses day."
The prince giggled manically as Whitney Houston blared from the speakers of the coach as it made it's way back to the castle.

-----

"Hello?"
"Good Evening."
"Who's this?"
"Prince Thighmaster."
"A prince, ehn?"
"Yes."
"What can I do for you princey?"
"I would like to employ your services Mr Avis."
"Of course you would princey."
"Call me 'princey' one more time and I will remove the organs that give you most pleasure."
"I apologize, your highness."
"Good. Now make me a Hero."
"A what?"
"A Hero. Then I can conquer the world while people chant my name."
"Ha! That's a good one. Come to Parodiopolis and we'll see what we can do."
"Agreed. I believe this is the start of a most profitable relationship, Mr Avis."
"I think I agree, your highness," Roni Y. Avis hung up the phone. "Freak."


To Be Continued...

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